Losing Yourself

When I became a mom, I was still working part-time. It was a job I loved, with a purpose I believed in. I never completely understood when moms would talk about feeling like they had lost themselves when they became a mom. Then, around 18 months ago, I made the decision to quit my job and focus more on our kids and family.

At first, it was such a relief to not feel conflicting burdens between my family and my job. While I was still busier than ever, I could better control the balance of the demands on my time…with way less guilt. I could take my kids to the zoo without needing to check my email before we left, and hop back online as soon as we got home. If one of them were sick during the middle of the night, I wasn’t cranky about how I was going to miss work the next day. I could just be fully present with them and caring for them.

But slowly overtime I started to feel like something was missing. That I was missing. I felt like I had no outside purpose from my family. I felt forgotten by co-workers who had proclaimed how much they loved me and would miss me, but never seemed to remember I still existed. I felt like without my work skills, I wasn’t necessary anymore. I felt overlooked and undervalued by the outside world. My circle of friends dwindled, and it felt like my scope of influence dwindled too. I worried that if I ever wanted to return to work, I would never find my way again. That my brain would have atrophied by lack of use of any skills besides cooking, cleaning, pestering kids to clean up, and coming up with art and project ideas to keep my kids busy. (Along with random Daniel Tiger’s songs taking up much needed space.)

I’m sure you are expecting the plot twist now, the moment of reading where I tell you the moment everything changed and my eyes were opened and how to find yourself and get it back. But here’s a different twist for you, I haven’t yet.

I’m knee deep in the middle of this. Praying for God to show me what my deeper purpose is that I keep feeling is missing, but having yet to hear any answers.

I know being the best mom & wife I can be is the most important purpose I can have right now, so let’s not all try to remind me of that…I’m extremely aware of that AND grateful to be doing it! But I feel a deep spiritual discontent that there is something else God is wanting me to do as well.

So if you are feeling as if you have lost yourself too, know that you aren’t alone.

And if you aren’t knee deep in the middle of it all, remember those people that are. Your friends need to know they still matter too…even if all they are right now is a mommy.